Kathy J Ellis, MA
Divorce and custody battles can bring out the worst in people. Working with high-conflict cases and hearing the stories of how badly people can treat others, year after year, especially when children are involved, can take its toll on advocates, attorneys, and staff.
Compassion Fatigue and Secondary Trauma
It’s not a surprise that hearing about clients’ traumatic experiences and seeing the symptoms of trauma, day after day, wears a person down. Sometimes it’s not even severe trauma, but seeing the results of chronic neglect can have the same impact. People from therapists to first responders who witness horrible scenes to attorneys can, and probably will, experience secondary trauma, compassion fatigue, and burnout. This is well researched with social workers and therapists, and we see roughly three-quarters of social workers hit burnout at some point in their careers, and turnover runs as high as 60% in child welfare.
What we don’t talk about is that family law attorneys are in the same situation. They sit with people in crisis, absorb their fear and rage and grief, hear and see the ugliest details of custody fights and abuse.
Somewhere between one in three and one in five attorneys drink at a level that qualifies as problem drinking, and firm-wide attrition now runs past a quarter of all lawyers, with many leaving the profession entirely within their first few years. The work is hard enough on its own. The high-conflict clients make it harder.
I was a therapist for 40 years, and one day during lunch, a family law attorney friend asked for insight regarding a couple of her clients. After a bit, I smiled and said, “Your divorce and custody clients are ‘crazier’ than mine.” Puzzled, she asked, “How could that be? You’re the therapist.” I explained, “Because the more stable people go to therapy. The less stable ones take their ex-spouses to court.”
_________________________________________________________________________________
The cost of high-conflict clients
High-conflict clients aren’t bad people, but they’re angry, hurt, fearful, and might have overwhelming medical or mental health issues. ADHD is a great example because many of those folks have difficulty regulating their emotions, and they can be prone to outbursts. Of course, there are those with conditions like narcissism, or worse yet, malignant narcissism or sociopathy. In those cases, not only do you have to deal with their emotional reactions but their manipulation, too.
When clients:
- Constantly text and call expecting instant replies.
- Ignore your advice, and then blame you when things go wrong.
- Attack your motives or competence when they’re scared or don’t get their way.
- Relive every detail of the failing relationship instead of focusing on the case.
- Attack and burn out your staff.
And you:
- Dread their calls.
- Frequently think about them and the case.
- Avoid their file because it’s just “too much” today.
It will burn you out and chip away at your patience, your clarity, and your sense of competence. Stress and distraction can also lead us to make mistakes.
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Just be more patient” is not a plan
So you work later, answer more calls, reply faster, and take on more emotional weight. You spend time listening to a client who should be talking to a therapist. Letting a client vent might help them, for the moment, but you carry that energy.
Your intentions are good, but just like a parent who doesn’t set firm limits:
- The more you reward escalation with attention, the more escalation you get.
- The more you absorb, the more resentful and exhausted you feel.
- And the more we let our clients (or our kids) lash out, ruminate, and blame, the less independent and self-sufficient they become.
Trying to out-work or out-tolerate a high-conflict client isn’t effective. No matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You don’t need more patience. You need better boundaries and clear expectations that protect you, your client, and your staff.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Boundaries are important in any job and in life
I spent 40 years working with thousands of people from 3 to 85 and specialized in, among other things, child sexual abuse. And I worked with so many adults who were abused as a child, or grew up with alcoholic/drug using parents. If there were only ONE thing I could teach people, it would be how to develop and maintain boundaries (and the other side of that would be how to respect the boundaries of others).
Having boundaries is not you “being mean.” But boy-o-boy do clients (kids and partners) want us to believe that is true. They push for us to feel guilty for saying no, for having fair expectations, and for following through with consequences.
Boundaries with time
Decide, in advance, how you will handle time with your clients and clearly state it in the initial meeting and in writing.
For example:
- I respond to client emails within one business day.
- I do not respond to texts, emails, or calls after 6 p.m. unless there is a true emergency, like a safety issue. And in most of those cases, other departments and professionals should be called, e.g., the police, CPS, or elder abuse.
- I know this is a stressful time. To help manage that stress, I set limits around the use of time. Those limits help you and me know what to expect, which in turn helps you.
- As you know, I bill by the hour. In many cases, it is both cost-effective and professionally prudent to seek out a counselor, therapist, or coach for venting or talking about your feelings. Attorneys are not trained in psychology. A counselor can listen with an educated ear and teach clients tools to manage the things they are going through.
By setting these boundaries from the start, you’re promising steady, predictable access. While people might piss and moan about boundaries, ultimately they make us all feel safer.
Texting and messaging
I know this is contrary to how people communicate today, but it’s OK to not use text messages for some clients. Texting isn’t always effective. And it gives people a false sense of real and accurate communication AND people expect an immediate response. If your client doesn’t use email, you can tell them it is a requirement. And establishing this requirement sets the foundation for other boundaries. Now, you might need to establish limits on the length of emails. Someone like me can whip out 5,000 words … and no one wants to read that, and they won’t.
Boundaries with Content
Not every topic deserves equal time. You’re there for legal strategy and decisions, not to be the only place they process their frustrations and history.
You can gently redirect: “I hear how painful that moment was. I want to make sure I’m using your time and money on the things that change the outcome of your case. Let’s focus on the decision we have to make today about the parenting plan.” You might need to pause, ask them to take a big breath, and then suggest they seek out counseling to help process those very real feelings, so they don’t interfere with the legal challenges. When I did intakes for complicated cases, I would sometimes have to redirect a client and help them focus. I would say, “I know you have a lot to tell me, but today we have one hour, and I need to get certain information.” I’ve found that if you truly have a client’s best interest in mind, they will be open to your directions.
You’ll be creating a safe container where they can not sink into the abyss of their emotions, and you are offering them a more effective alternative: a therapist, counselor, or coach.
Boundaries with behavior
You do not have to tolerate abuse! I’ve had to kick a few clients out of the office in my career because they wouldn’t pull back the vitriol thrown my way, and it wasn’t about me. As harsh as this might sound, I ended a session with a four-year-old because she wouldn’t stop screaming. She was in no pain or danger. Because her grandparents-guardians felt sorry for her, they were afraid that setting limits would hurt her, and her mode of communication became screaming. After that session, she was much more contained in the office, as she began to trust me because I wouldn’t let her be out of control. And that’s when she began to tell me about the things her mother’s boyfriend did to her.
Each one of these clients came back ready to work, even the angry teenagers.
Verbal abuse is rampant today. We have politicians modeling horrible ways to speak to others. The animosity on social media has brought the monster out in far too many people. Speaking badly to someone seems to be more the norm than not. It is a huge problem that is fraying the strings that hold a civilized society together.
And many of us, either from our own childhood or society’s expectations or both, have been conditioned to “take it.”
If a client is speaking badly to you, all else stops! Calmly wait until they stop, then let them know you will not continue until they compose themselves.
If they don’t stop being aggressive or disrespectful, end this call (or meeting), and tell them you can pick it up later when they are calm.
And then, end the call or stand up and open the door. Calmly. No lecture. And add, we will continue when you are in control. Later is a good time to suggest counseling. Too many people want to vent to their attorney, friend, or family members instead of seeing a counselor who will hold them accountable.
If they are generally an abusive person or constantly lash out, let them know – in writing – you expect clear communication without swearing, name-calling, or yelling. If it continues, you will be closing the case, if it is allowed by the court. If you can’t close the case, you can require all communication to be in writing. Yellers and manipulators really do not like that.
_________________________________________________________________________________
What to say when your client is losing it
This is where simple, repeatable scripts can be helpful. You don’t have to ‘think’ or react to your client’s demands. Use some of these like a mantra; just say the same thing and use it for different people. These seem like canned responses – because they are. And that takes the emotion out of the conversation and shows your client you won’t get hooked.
When everything is an emergency
You know the client, the one who feels everything is an emergency. That comes from their childhood, and it can be difficult to redirect them – but you need to try.
Client: “This is a disaster. My whole life is over. My kids are going to hate me.”
You: “It feels like that now. It’s going to be a rollercoaster for everyone. It helps to review what we know and the facts. Here’s what is actually happening legally today…”
You’re not dismissing their feelings or trying to make them feel better. You’re bringing the conversation back to facts. Use cognitive words like “let’s think,” “consider the facts.”
When they keep asking the same question
Maybe you’ve explained the same thing three times (or 10), and they still can’t hold onto it.
You: “We’ve talked about this a few times. Let’s go over it again, and then I’ll email you a summary so you can review it as needed. Sometimes when we don’t like the information, our brains just won’t remember. But it’s important you do, so it will be helpful if you take notes from here on.” Sometimes it’s helpful to ask that they paraphrase what you have been saying. It often feels awkward, or maybe patronizing, but if you explain it helps cognition, most people will understand.
You’re naming the pattern without shaming them, and you are offering a practical strategy.
When you need to say no
As you know, probably all too well, some clients merely want to screw things up, use the system to attack and control the ex. Like in custody cases, when the parent uses the court like a hammer and continues to drag their ex into court until the child is eighteen.
Sometimes this type of behavior can be met with questions like:
- “How will this serve you?”
- “What is your goal in this case, not in this moment?”
- “Do you think a judge would consider this a positive move?”
- “I know you are hurt and angry, but it is counterproductive to act that out in your case. It is helpful to talk about it with a therapist.”
- And you can always say, “I will not compromise my principles to support your anger.”
You’re staying on the ethical path without abandoning them. And, in some cases, you will need to cut loose and refer that client to someone else.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Quick tools to settle your own nervous system
You cannot manage your client or the case if you’re completely fried yourself. Short resets can help.
Here are a few:
- The long exhale: Before you call them back, take 5–10 breaths where the exhale is longer than the inhale. (For example, in for 4, out for 6.) It tells your body, “We’re not in a burning building.”
- The cognitive reset: Look around and quietly name 5 things you can see and 3 you can hear. It pulls you out of emotions and into your head.
- The two-minute pause: Write the email you want to send. Stand up. Get water. Come back. Reread it as if a judge will see it. Then decide if you still want to hit send.
A regulated lawyer is a better advocate.
_________________________________________________________________________________
When it’s time to reassess or exit
Not every case can or should be saved. It may be time to rethink the relationship when:
- The client repeatedly ignores clear advice and then blames you.
- The communication is consistently abusive or threatening.
- Their demands push you toward ethical lines you’re not willing to cross.
- Your dread and stress around this one is bleeding into everything else.
- Your support staff is stressed and/or complains to you about a client.
You’re an advocate, not a sponge. Your job is to serve your client and protect your license, your health, and your ability to keep doing this work. Sometimes the most loving, ethical move, for you and, honestly, for them, is to withdraw when the rules allow it and the situation calls for it.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Do not get buried and reach out if you need
High-conflict family law clients are not getting easier. You do not have to sacrifice your sanity and overall health to be a strong advocate.
Setting a few boundaries, using simple scripts, and a couple of tools, you can:
- Show up calmer.
- Make clearer decisions.
- And stop letting clients hijack you, your office, the profession, and the work you enjoy..
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sources
Morgillo, S. (2015). Do Not Make their Trauma Your Trauma: Coping with Burnout as a Family Law Attorney. Family Court Review. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fcre.12167
Watkins, V. et al. (2022). Prevalence and Predictors of Secondary Trauma in the Legal Profession: A Systematic Review. National Institutes of Health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9176334/
American Bar Association. Compassion Fatigue. ABA Lawyer Assistance Programs. https://www.americanbar.org/groups/lawyer_assistance/resources/compassion_fatigue/
Missouri Bar Association. Judges and Compassion Fatigue: What Is It and What to Do About It. https://mobar.org/site/content/Articles/Well_Being/Judges_and_Compassion_Fatigue__What_Is_It_and_What_to_Do_About_It.aspx
What Judges Need to Know About Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Custody Cases. Owlcation. https://owlcation.com/social-sciences/what-judges-need-to-know-about-narcissistic-personality-disorder-in-custody-cases
RVS Solicitors. (2024). Narcissism in Child Custody Proceedings: A Family Lawyer’s Perspective. https://rvssolicitors.co.uk/latest-news/narcissism-in-child-custody-proceedings-a-family-lawyers-perspective/
Balban, M. et al. (2023). Breathing Practices for Stress and Anxiety Reduction: Conceptual Framework of Implementation Guidelines Based on a Systematic Review of the Published Literature. National Institutes of Health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10741869/
Feldman, J. et al. (2023). Slow Breathing for Reducing Stress: The Effect of Extending Exhale. Complementary Therapies in Medicine. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0965229923000249
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Trauma and Violence. https://www.samhsa.gov/trauma-violence